iPod Fans

<!--[if !mso]>-->

The bachelor strain of real men I have come to know and admire in my lifetime seems to be coming to a close. And it alarms me. I arrived at this conclusion following a web search of “bachelors” to determine how others in my genre are faring in their pursuit of the perfect woman.

The results were not pretty.

My search began with the phrase “bachelor life.” The first site I perused was maintained by a lonely guy living in England. His concerns were, and these are in order, a 3D TV, a smaller laptop, an iPod phone, and the “reality of sitting home alone.” What the hell is that? A bachelor, sitting at home alone, worried about a television, laptop and phone? Talk about out-of-whack priorities. Little wonder he’s sitting at home bemoaning the fact that he’s sitting at home alone. I’m surprised he didn’t mention his underwear fit too tight.

I tried a different site. This guy’s most recent blog had him lamenting about a full bag of potatoes and fruit flies. Grasp the picture. A single guy whining about potatoes and fruit flies. He went on to talk about broccoli sprouting arms and legs and somehow jumping from his refrigerator when he went to grab a yogurt cup. Fruit flies or fruitcake? I shook my head in dismay.

Hesitantly, I pointed my arrow and clicked another so-called bachelor site.

I know, as readers, you trust what I write. And that’s where my confidence comes into play to relay to you what I found. This bachelor’s blog began by singing the praises of toilet paper. No shit. Peter P. wrote about “crumpling the paper so it’s softer.” He lamented how “two sheets of toilet paper can be folded to make a comfortable pad, to reduce waste, for the environmental conscious in all of us.” I was so stewed that I ran to the bathroom and counted out 52 sheets of Charmin and flushed them.

Is this what bachelors are talking about these days? Smaller laptops, potatoes, fruit flies, and toilet paper? Whatever happened to the good old days of wine and women and satin sheets? It used to be when men were men, women followed. What I’m reading on the blogs today boils down to nothing short of the feminization of our male culture. And it’s pretty disconcerting.

Don’t read me wrong. I love women. But when a guy starts singing the praises of toilet paper something in America has gone wrong – the chickification of the male species. I lost sleep for two consecutive nights over this phenomenon. When I again returned to the computer, I did a keyword search of “real men.” Again, I was astounded.

Sal W., in Tinworths, Utah, devoted an entire blog on “How Real Men Have a Dialogue with the Opposite Sex.” I read it with amazement. Gone were the sexy pickup lines of yesterday including some of my favorites: “Mmm…your hair smells like doughnuts;” “I'm just gonna skip the corny pick-up line and get straight to the part where you slap me;” “If I were coffee, you would be my Coffee-mate;” “<!--[if gte vml 1]> <![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->The little people behind my eyes that yell at my brain told me to tell you just how sexy you are;” and my most successful line ever, “Hey, baby -- were you born in a brewery? 'Cause I’d sure like to pop your top.” This guy was definitely in touch with his feminine side offering a platitude<!--[if gte vml 1]> <![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->of benign touchy-feely words like soft, sensitivity, and subtle. I wanted to puke.

Maybe Sal should have been named Sally.

I was about to give into the notion that the chickification of today’s men was reality when a website jumped from the screen - Nine-Inch Male Pump Action 243. Finally! The screen name screamed masculinity. I pointed my mouse with abandon and clicked.

“Yoo-hoo…Come on guys and gals. I’m still searching for those nine-inch pink pumps I saw posted on Rita’s blog. What are you waiting for? Please write to me and tell me where I can find them…”

The doctor said my prescription cannot be refilled.

.

Tater Tot Casserole

1 1/2 pound ground beef

1/4 cup of ketchup

1/4 cup milk

1 onion chopped

1 1/2 slices of bread (broken up)

1 egg

2 cans of cream of mushroom soup (10.75 ozs)

1 package of shredded cheese (8 ozs of your favorite)

1 package of frozen tater tots

To begin, pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees. Next, add ground beef, ketchup, milk, onion, bread and egg to a large mixing bowl. With a wooden spoon, or with your hands, thoroughly mix the ingredients. Add mixture to a medium-sized, square casserole dish and flatten out evenly to each corner of the dish. Add both cans of soup and spread evenly. Sprinkle cheese evenly over top of the soup. Then add a single layer of tater tots to cover the entire dish. Bake for about an hour to an hour-and-a half or until meat is cooked and no longer pink and tots are golden brown.